Unravelling
by Perks of Being a Whovian
Summary: One day the Doctor realizes that he is not the only one with a dark past. (Post GITF)


**Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who, nor do I own the song which I based this story on. They both belong to their respective creators/owners. **

**Author's note: I'm aware that most people will probably hate this story, but the idea for it came to me and wouldn't leave me alone, so this happened. I just think that sometimes the Doctor's a bit too self-pitying so I wanted someone to remind him that he's not the only person in the world with stuff going on in his life. This story has a few dark themes to it, with mentions of (a very, very, very minor and also a slightly more major) character death, and mentions of miscarriage and drug use, so please be aware of that before reading. I'd also like to emphasize that I am strictly pro-choice, because while rereading this I realized that I came across as very pro-life, and I wouldn't want anyone to be offended by the content of this story. Please review because reviews make me smile and it's so rewarding to get a response to something that you've spent hours and hours working on. **

**Unravelling**

_'He walked down a busy street_

_Staring solely at his feet_

_Clutching pictures of past lovers at his side_

_Stood at the table where she sat_

_And removed his hat_

_In respect of her presence_

_Presents her with the pictures and says_

_'These are just ghosts that broke my heart before I met you._

_These are just ghosts that broke my heart before I met you'- Ghosts, Laura Marling_

It began after Madame de Pompadour. It began after the ticking of clockwork and the whirr of mechanics. It began after soulless eyes looking and lifeless hearts beating just to keep that hellish spaceship in the skies. It began after the last Time-Lord shattered like glass and Mickey led the only thing that could put him back together away from him and further into the TARDIS. It began with awkward silences and sideways glances and the absence of light and laughter in the usually energy-filled console room. It ended with understanding.

* * *

He'd only just tucked Reinette's letter away in his coat pocket when Rose swung into the room, seeming to emanate a glow of her own far brighter than that which poured out from the console and spilled across the floor like a flood across the plains, as she looked at him as if she was looking right into his soul. Most of the time a vibrant grin was fixed upon her face from the moment she spotted him, full of energy and enthusiasm and optimism for their next adventure; this made the weak grimace gracing her pale, drawn features much more pronounced, much less subtle and far sadder than the Doctor possibly could have imagined.

He wondered what possibly could have happened to make her look so upset. Something to do with Jackie, maybe? Perhaps her mother was unwell... That was probably it. They could pop back to Earth later, anyway, so she didn't really have anything to worry about. He could rustle something or other up in the infirmary, that nutter would be back on her feet in no time. It would all be okay.

Maybe that wasn't it, though… Mickey might have done something that bothered Rose: idiots _are_ known for their idiotic actions. There was that Trisha Delaney girl a while back, it was a possibility that she was back in the picture, or he could have mentioned Sarah-Jane again, reminding the Doctor's companion that she was just one insignificant little person in a long, long line of all the others like her. They too were blinded by the glory of space, overwhelmed by its vastness and beauty. They too walked upon the surfaces of distant planets, believing that they were the first to do so.

Friends back on Earth were also awfully fickle, though, and it was possible that she'd fallen out with one of them... He knew that Shareen was not too keen on Rose lately, after she disappeared for an entire year without calling to hear about the breakups and beat-ups and new neighbours and nonsense of the Powell Estate. Bethan and Steve seemed rather annoyed when she didn't come to their wedding ('Best day of our lives. XOX!' the text said, along with a flurry of pictures of flowers, dresses and church bells, but Rose explained to the Doctor that this was code for 'Look at the amazing time we had without you!')...

Finally, he considered the one prospect that he hadn't yet acknowledged: it was his fault.

But what had he done wrong… recently?

He'd walked into someone's life. He'd protected that person from the nightmares that plagued her since childhood. He'd seen her grow up before his very eyes. He'd smiled at her happiness and shared in her sadness. He'd saved her from the murderous droids that followed her through the highs and lows of her existence. He'd read her final letter and allowed a single tear to fall from his weary eyes while doing so.

In that list of actions, not a single one sounded cruel.

The lone Time-Lord was snapped out of his daze by the delicate sound of approaching footsteps, and was surprised when he looked down to see Rose standing about two feet away from him. She was clad in pyjamas, he noticed, with make-up swiped from her skin and hair haphazardly framing her features as it fell messily to just below her shoulder. She chewed almost violently on the nail of her thumb as she looked at him, eyes wide and filled with a childlike innocence that had been fading fast ever since their travels together began, when she'd witnessed the most terrible of deaths, the most atrocious of agonies. "Hello," he said simply, his voice betraying nothing about his emotions. Rose mimicked his words in reply, completely monotonous, as she stared intently at the dark contours of his face and tried in vain to find the faintest flicker of what he was thinking, what he was feeling. Still, his expression didn't change and his stance remained defiant, unlike hers which was slumped and so, so tired.

"D-do you want to talk?" he stammered. When she replied with only a silent shake of her head, he responded with a childlike drawl of "Really? Are you suuuuure?"

"Pretty sure." Her voice was blunt and steady, and so sharp that it somehow managed to make him feel as if he'd been physically hurt by her tone, as if the pure bitterness within it had scarred him.

"Sure?" he whispered, resigned, before muttering "...Please, Rose," the tired sort of desperation he spoke with reminding the human girl of a parent trying to make a newborn stop crying. She looked down to the floor, then, and laughed unpleasantly, the sound holding no true trace of amusement at their situation.

At last she asked, "You really want to have this conversation?", almost pleading with him to say 'no.'

"Yes!"

"... You left us on that ship, and you came back, and you left again, and when you came back… and you were devastated."

"Rose-" he attempted to interrupt, but she was having none of it.

"And you're allowed to be upset, of course you are. I'm not sure what happened after the windows shattered but I'm sure it was bad enough to justify… this. The fact that you were sad isn't what bothers me. It's that y-you-" she sighed and looked up at him, "It's like you regret coming back. It's like you'd rather have stayed behind in France, with her. With Reinette." Again, he tried to break into her speech, but he barely managed to utter a single sound before she continued speaking. "No! Please, just let me say this, all of it, then we can move on... It's like I wasn't good enough anymore, like you wanted to upgrade."

"That's what you were upset about? That?!" the Doctor's voice was incredulous as he glared at her with raised-eyebrows and hands gesturing wildly around the console room. "I've lost my entire planet, Rose! I watched it burn and I watched the Time-Lords die, all of them! You don't know true grief until you see something like that, feel what that feels like. You know what else I lost? I lost Reinette today and right now, all you're feeling right now is petty jealousy!"

Her jaw dropped in disgust at the Doctor's accusation, and she spat the next words that she spoke, venom laced through every syllable. "I don't know true grief, do I, Doctor? So apparently my dad _didn't_ die when I was a baby, what a miracle! Apparently I _didn't_ watch my mum drag strings of random guys into the flat, trying to replace him, and have to console her when she realized that they just saw her as another bloody slapper. Oh, that's a relief! Apparently when I was fourteen my best mate didn't get stabbed to death on the estate, so I never _was_ the one to find his body just left there with the knife still hanging out of his chest… You're right, Doctor. I don't know grief."

"Rose-" he cut in, leaning forward and attempting to pull her into a hug, but she stepped back and allowed him to stumble forward as he tried to regain his balance.

"Don't," she warned, holding up a finger to stop him interrupting her again. "Did I ever tell you about Jimmy Stone?" This was not the direction he'd expected the conversation to go in.

"I recognize the name, I think, but not any details," he explained monotonously

She looked to the floor, then her gaze flickered waveringly around the room as she tried to avoid eye-contact with the Doctor. She replied eventually, but her voice was weak and un-Rose and oddly guilty as she answered him. "He was my boyfriend a couple of years before Mickey."

"Ah."

"... He was an arsehole sometimes, and there were days when I completely hated him. And he was a nightmare when he was angry, drank too much, hung around with a really bad crowd. Seriously, like a complete, first-rate dickhead. But he had good days too, _we_ had good days. He made me laugh and he made me cry and… I loved him. I'm not really sure _why_, but I did…" she raised her eyes level with his, and tried to disguise the sorrow of reminiscing with the anger of the present moment, scowling at the man before her. "And one day I was alone at the flat when the police knocked on the door. Said he'd overdosed on crystal meth at his mate Darren's party, was already dead when the paramedics got to him. And I couldn't do anything. I didn't cry. I never cried. I was just numb. And for weeks it was like that; I didn't eat or speak or sleep or go to work or do anything. Then something changed."

A rather significant part of the Doctor almost didn't want to ask his next question, so he stuttered his way through it and by the final syllable looked as if he wanted to snatch the words out of her ears and put them back into his mind, where they were safe and controlled and unanswered.. "W-what happened?"

"One morning I was at home with mum and I just started throwing up. Mum offered to get me tests or take me to the GP but I didn't need them. I suppose I just knew... I was pregnant." she smiled mirthlessly with a bitter laugh and he tried to hide the look of surprise but also something else that even he couldn't quite identify on his bashful face. "I was happy about it, though. It was like something good was finally coming from all the bad. I know I was only seventeen and I was halfway through my A-levels and it probably wouldn't have worked out but I kind-of felt like it could've. It should've." It was at this moment that Rose's facial expression changed completely from a mask of strength to a crumbling facade, with a thick film of tears covering her usually bright and joyful hazel eyes and a few rolling down her face. The Doctor, no longer bothered with his childish anger, pulled her tightly into a hug and she clutched feverishly back at him. Her tone softened to a whisper. "A few months down the line I lost it. April 21st, I went to the doctor's, and everything _looked_ fine. They checked it, though and… no heartbeat. Nothing."

"I'm sorry," he murmured in her ear, allowing the realization that he might have been a little too harsh wash over him, the realization that other people had suffered too, even the people closest to him, who he tried his best to protect from the darkest, most tragic parts of life. He never was kind enough to Rose, he finally noticed, and yet still she was willing to bare the most scarred and broken parts of her soul to him in a way that no-one else could.

After a long but comfortable silence she spoke: "I'm sorry, too… And you know, I honestly couldn't ask for a better emotional train-wreck to be travelling with." At that, they both raised small smiles and, with a whirr, the TARDIS began journeying into the farthest corners of space once more.

"Allons-y!"


End file.
